My Advent frustration has somewhat continued. But at least I am aware of being lost. As I lay awake during the night I began searching within myself for what I had lost. I seemed to be so on track for many months; growing in awareness of God's presence, being stretched in knowing her, reaching for more. Then nothing. Feeling like I was back in the Dark Night of two years ago. Last night I found myself in a fog. A flashlight in my hand did not shine far enough in the thickness to see what I had lost. But, I was searching. That was the hope. In the effort to look I was being restored. This was one of those moments when The Eternal just comes and does it all. Not only was I able to name what was going on but the fog was beginning to grow thinner. I had several, what can I call them, spontaneous revelations of who my God is and how it feels to love and be loved by the one who created all. I was infused with hope and life. How can I say thank you in a way he knows I mean it? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.
4 comments:
Wow. Sounds like it was an awesome night with God.
I recently bought a book by Daniel P. Schrock, who is Mennonite Brethren and a spiritual director, called Prayer Practices for Terrifically Busy People. It's got some great prayer ideas. But what I really wanted to tell you was that he has another book coming out called Dark Night: A Gift from God that sounds almost exactly like The Dark Night of the Soul by Gerald May. I'm planning on getting it to see how it is different. Maybe it'll put a new spin on it. I don't know. I still feel the darkness around me. Or I do again. I don't know. It is a strange time for me right now. It feels like depression, but not.
I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll stop. I just wanted to say it's nice to hear about your experience.
We'll get a chance to talk about all this when you are here. It is quite common to wonder if we are depressed or in a dark night. Sometimes it only becomes clear as we look back. Be at peace. God is at work.
"I still feel the darkness around me. Or I do again. I don't know. It is a strange time for me right now. It feels like depression, but not." (from Kim)
I guess feeling strange and being in a fog loves company...I, too, find myself in similar places. I find myself having to take "thoughts captive" or they lead me to places I don't want to go. I feel compelled to go back an read one of Brad's favorite chapters, "Grazie Senior" from The Ragamuffin Gospel, just for perspective. I really would like to come to a place where I can say "thank you" for sunny days and "thak you" for dark nights. I know they produce "good", but I still don't like them!
Not that I actually "rejoice" at the darkness but I have learned they make me search for Him. Most of the time during those shadowy moments I don't just sit and embrace them. I start looking around for any sign of light. During the darkest which was about 2 years ago I came to a place where I had no spiritual energy to do anything. I now know that was all in the plan. To sit, to be silent and to wait. I didn't do this because I knew it was the right thing to do. I did it because I gave up trying to fix it myself. What a relief to find out the lover of my soul wanted just that. I do know after going through these last several years that when real transformation is on the horizon death has to come first. Mark, I know you want God. And, you know you want God. Wait. She :) will come. Blessings.
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