Recognizing Jesus

Last night at services the first scriptures of Christmas were read. Simeon and Anna had waited their whole lives to see the promise fulfilled. I wonder if I would have recognized Jesus if I were them? I'm sure he didn't show up in the form they expected. This was the One they had waited for? This was the One that would bring salvation to Israel? How could this be? And yet they didn't hesitate. They embraced his appearance and worshipped him without hesitation. Oh, how I hope I would do the same each time he comes into my life.

Losing My Way

My Advent frustration has somewhat continued. But at least I am aware of being lost. As I lay awake during the night I began searching within myself for what I had lost. I seemed to be so on track for many months; growing in awareness of God's presence, being stretched in knowing her, reaching for more. Then nothing. Feeling like I was back in the Dark Night of two years ago. Last night I found myself in a fog. A flashlight in my hand did not shine far enough in the thickness to see what I had lost. But, I was searching. That was the hope. In the effort to look I was being restored. This was one of those moments when The Eternal just comes and does it all. Not only was I able to name what was going on but the fog was beginning to grow thinner. I had several, what can I call them, spontaneous revelations of who my God is and how it feels to love and be loved by the one who created all. I was infused with hope and life. How can I say thank you in a way he knows I mean it? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.

Advent Frustration

I was determined this would be the best Advent I've ever had. I usually spend at least a couple of hours every morning reading. So, I carefully chose Advent readings and of course the readings from the Breviary.

Has this been a test? My mother-in-law is here for almost 3 weeks. Let me say right now she is a wonderful woman. However, just having someone here, a different feel in the house, has just messed me up. Plus we have had weather that has prohibited Brad from going to work. Too many bodies in the house! I am so disappointed with myself. Somehow I should have been able to work through this. Instead I find myself on the computer or watching the weather report. Aghhhh!

Now I will be asking myself what this means for me. Is it I am not as serious about my spiritual journey as I thought? Is it I should grit my teeth more and do it? It would be easier to overlook my lack if it weren't Advent. I mean now I have to wait a whole year.

I'm not too happy with myself today. Pray for me as you read this.

Making My Oblation

Another new adventure. Still thinking about what this will mean in my spiritual formation. Over the last 3 or so years I have been drawn to a more contemplative lifestyle. This doesn't mean I leave "the world". In September's visit with my spiritual director I asked her to teach me to pray. She responded first by saying she believed I knew how to pray. I went on to ask her to teach me about praying in a way I wasn't familiar with. How could I grow in my prayer?

Within a couple of weeks I had discovered St. Brigid's of Kildare Monastery. This is the only place I have found that allows one to follow a way of prayer and yet not live in a monastery. It was an answer to my request to learn to pray in a new way. On Sunday I took my oblation vows that now leads me into a year of discernment.

Ok, I don't know what all this will look like. There is one other reason this draws me. With moving this year I want something consistent in my spiritual life. When life changes come, it is easy to get distracted. With all I have experienced and learned over the last 5 years I do not want to loose the forward momentum of spiritual growth and change. Learning to live by St. Benedict's Rule will give me that stability and consistency.
It all feels a bit strange but so has many other things during this journey. I'm willing to walk it out and see where it leads me. It has been part of my Advent this year. Waiting. Watching for who is to come.

Jesus in Plain Sight

The Gospel reading for the second Sunday of Advent is Mark 1:1-8

...Prepare the way of the Lord

Make his paths straight.

This of course comes from Isaiah 40

.....Make a highway for the LORD through the wilderness. Make a straight, smooth road through the desert for our God.
Fill the valleys and level the hills. Straighten out the curves and smooth off the rough spots.
Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together. The LORD has spoken!"

Several years ago my own revelation came through these verses. Isn't it saying make it as easy as possible for people to see God? If someone is approaching on a road that goes up and down hills and around curves you can't see them coming. We are told to re-engineer the road. Smooth the hills, straighten the curve. Why? So we and others can easily see his coming.

With so much talk about what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and not acceptable (ok, I'll say it...specifically the GLBT issue) does this apply? How do we make the road smooth and straight for those marginalized in the world? Are we making it easier for them to see Jesus. Are all our shoulds becoming bigger hills and more severe curves? Can they see Jesus as he is approaching? If we can all see him coming, we will all run to him. Then he can do with us as he will with his grace and his mercy. I'm more concerned about the glory of the Lord being revealed and people seeing it.

The Cry of Our Hearts

Give fair judgment to the poor and the orphan;

uphold the rights of the oppressed and the destitute.

Rescue the poor and helpless;

deliver them from the grasp of evil people.

But these oppressors know nothing;

they are so ignorant!

And because they are in darkness,

the whole world is shaken to the core.

Ps 82

My Boy

Ok, this is just a wild hair blog. Last night we went to a bar to listen to Daniel play bass in a band he has recently joined. Now, first I will say, he is an awesome bassist. But, the point of this is in watching him, I was watching him do what he was created to do. Seeing him be so into the music and the joy of playing. He was indeed worshipping his creator in fulfilling the gift he was given. Hopefully we all have those passions in our lives. It is what we were created for. It is our worship.

People

Seattle has been a bit of a desert as far as friends and relationships go. (It's a good thing Brad and I like each other.) The last few days as I've been emailing old friends I've become aware of something. The importance of being with people has grown for me. The simplicity of sitting down for coffee or tea with someone; having a meal with friends; being on the same spiritual track with others. I'm so hungry for those things. Meeting with friends with no other motive than to just be together and know each other more is a luxury we take for granted.

This is short and simple today. Not a big theological thought: or is it?

Think About This

As a Protestant I have never quite gotten the "Mary" thing. I don't mean that to sound disrespectful. It's how I was raised (by the church not my parents). Last November God spoke to me very clearly through the passages about the angel coming to Mary and Joseph. It really was a significant revelation to me personally.

But today doing some reading in "Holy People" (see previous post) I had this new image of the symbol of Mary. Suppose she is not only the mother of God but a symbol of ourselves taking in the Holy Spirit and bringing forth Christ to the world. We are continually conceiving Christ, pondering and holding what lies within us and then giving birth to the transformation and showing it to the world.

I like that image.

Seized or Grasped

Love this:

"You have seized me; I have not "grasped" You. You have transformed my being right down to its very last roots and made me a sharer in You own Being and Life. You have given me Yourself, not just a distant, fuzzy report of Yourself in human words. And that's why I can never forget You, because You have become the very center of my being." - Rahner

May it become more and more true for me, God. Continue to seize me and be the center of my being.

What Is The Church?

I use to know what the church was. Well, I thought I did. I think I had a pretty good definition. But, in re-examining everything about my spirituality I have asked the question fresh. Here is something I came across today. It's from "Holy People" by Gordon Lathrop:



"The church is an assembly. The church is a gathering of people in a particular place who are, together, through concrete means, participating in the mystery of Christ and so are being formed into the holy assembly. The church is not a collection of consuming individuals, choosing religious goods according to their own self-perceived needs or desires. It is not a club supporting a particular ideology. It is not the audience for a speaker's eloquence, a choir's concert, or a priest's rituals. The local church-assembly is itself, as gathering, the primary symbol. By its participation, by its communal mode of song and prayer around Scripture reading, meal keeping (the Lord's Table), and bathing (baptism), it is being transformed into a primary witness to the identity of God and the identity of the world before God."



We are an assembly of people that come together before the risen Christ to be transformed and to witness to the world the body of Christ. Why have we made it so much more complicated and convoluted? Our love for each other is founded on the broken body and spilled blood of the Mysterious One. How humbling is that?



Can't even think of anything else to say. It's about Him, not us.

Weighty Words

Something was said to me this week. I think it has impacted me more than anything else over the last 7 years. I met with my spiritual director last Wednesday. She is a Sister of Mercy. I love this woman. She is a professor at SU and any of her students that I have ever met feel the same. I am privileged to have her be my director. She is teaching me compassion toward the homeless in a way I can accept and act.
But, that's not what this is about. I just want to be clear as to what kind of person she is and how she measures words before using them. Everything that comes out of her mouth is valuable. We were catching up after not seeing each other over the summer. She asked how our trip to Fresno was. Of course I told her about Mary but then went on to tell what a surprise the trip was in regards to discerning our future and that future being in Fresno. I described our desire to plant a church, to open an urban retreat center in our home and to start a spiritual direction practice. I also went on to say how I felt in my own heart that I was to be involved with migrant laborers in some way that would make their lives better. She got very quiet and then tears gently streamed down her face. She went on to say she was very familiar with this phrase, had heard it used but had herself never used it. She said, "I feel like I am on holy ground." At that point my tears joined hers. It was like setting our destiny in stone. God was in the room and his tears and joy joined ours. Because of who she is in God these few words carried much weight for me.
I am in awe. It's been a long time since I felt the purpose of God. I feel very humbled and at the same time excited. I had to take time to put this is writing, to have something to hold on to in regards to our future and our purpose.
Wow!

Birds and Flowers

Like lots of people right now we are tightening our belt. I find myself at times consumed with worry about the future. I keep sending out resumes to help ease the pressure, but to no avail. I struggle with is this God telling me I don't need to worry or is it a sign of my unemployableness :)? I shared this thought with someone last week.....I sometimes feel that my worry stops the hand of God as it extends to provide and bless. Could thankfulness and gratitude open the gate of gracious giving?

Today I read very carefully Matthew 6:25-31. Can that be true? Is that really what I'm suppose to do? Would God actually just give me everything I need if I only, single heartedly seek the kingdom? Oh, I know what everyone would say. They would all give the good Sunday School answer, "Of course". But none of us live like that. Do you? I don't know anyone who does. We have to work hard and be diligent. We earn what we have. Oh, we say that God gave it to us but we believe it's because we went to work 8 hours a day.

I'm not looking to be lazy. I don't mind working. I am just tired of worry. Worry so robs my joy. It's like if we don't worry we aren't carrying our fair load.

I so want to simply love God and people. What is the hourly wage for that?

Bonus: I love this quote

"So I saw Him and sought Him; and I had Him and wanted Him. And it seems to me that this is how it is and how it should be in this life" - St Julian of Norwich, 1373

Thoughts to Wrestle

A few of my latest, favorite quotes:

Jesus is not a law to be obeyed, or a model to be imitated, but a presence to be seized and acted upon. – John Shea

I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand.
St. Anselm of Canterbury (1034 - 1109)

If I find Him with great ease, perhaps He is not my God. If I cannot hope to find Him at all, is He my God? If I find Him wherever I wish, have I found Him? If He can find me whenever He wishes, and tells me Who He is and who I am, and if I then know that He Whom I could not find has found me then I know that He is the Lord, my God. He has touched me with the finger that made me out of nothing.

Thomas Merton (?)

I need to spend time on each of these. Oh, that I would spend more time searching God.

Prayer, Social Justice and Friendship

During my reading yesterday I came across this by Ronald Rolheiser in "Forgotten Among the Lilies". Fr Rolheiser was Brad's first prof at SU.
"Through much pain, we have come to realize that prayer alone is not enough, social justice is also needed. Now, through more pain, we are coming to realize that prayer and social justice, together but alone, are also not enough. Why do I say this? Because too many persons who both pray and do social justice are angry, bitter, lacking in gratitude and joy, and full of hate. What is lacking? In a word, friendship.
A healthy spiritual life is anchored on three pillars, prayer, social justice and friendship. The latter is as critical and nonnegotiable as the former. Without the warming and mellowing that good friendship brings into life, we invariably lose gratitude and joy.
To pray and to do social justice is to be prophetic. But that's a lonely and hard business. Prophets are persecuted, are powerless and are rejected. Because of this, it is all too easy to get angry, to feel self-righteous, to fill with bitterness, to become selective in our prophecy and to hate the very people we are trying to save.
When this happens, gratitude and joy disappear from our lives and we are unable to live without the need to be angry. Invariably, then, both our prayer and social action become perverse.
We become recognized not for our joy and love, but for our anger and bitterness. Our prophetic words are spoken not out of love and grief, but out of indignation. We turn poverty into an ideology by losing sight of the end of the struggle - namely, celebration, joy, play, embrace, forgiveness.
Only friendship can save us. Loving, challenging friends who can melt our bitterness and free us from the need to be angry are as critical within the spiritual life as are prayer and social justice. To neglect friendship is to court bitterness and perversion."
This is what I want in community. I wonder if I will ever find it?

The Image

This morning while thinking about what I said in my last post I chose my God image for the now...Christ on the Cross. In my journal I wrote,

"Jesus is who I love"

"He is the image of God"

I then wrote and will continue to write all that Jesus showed us to explain God. I'm going to live with this for a while. I'm going to hold my Christ-God image close. This is how I know God.

Image of God

So I think my image of God has become so big that I have no image. According to many wise authors regarding spiritual formation God can have no image. Any image we may have of Him is incorrect because it is incomplete. I don't feel this makes me wise. I feel it leaves me lacking and sad.

Mystic or not?

In one of the many books I have been reading the author said a true mystic begins thinking about God the minute they wake up. Hmmm. Does it matter what I think about God; how I think about God. I'm afraid I mostly think how I won't do as much that day to know him as I would like. My fault completely but I do think about him.

Why Am I Doing This?

Have you ever been through a time when so many things are changing in your heart and in your brain that you can't keep up? For the last 4 years that's me. I want and maybe actually need to have a place to say some of these things outloud. There has been an overwhelming amount of new knowledge in my life; some invited, some not. Even the uninvited has been welcomed. The welcoming doesn't mean it's true, it just means I'm willing to consider it. With all the knowledge comes a realization that it does no good if it doesn't transform.
I continue to say this to God all the time. My prayer goes something like, "God, don't let me just keep filling up my brain. Please transform me. Make me a person who loves you more and loves everyone else more." Sometimes I have this fear that I am letting too much in. Then I notice how changed I am.
What do you think? Keep pouring in the new stuff and let God, in me, use what is useful, save what might be needed for later, and throw away what's not for me?
This won't be a profound, highly intellectual blog. I don't know how to be that. This is for me, not to wow people or convince them how smart I am.
I want God. I want to know how completely unknowable and yet discoverable he is.
Thanks for listening.