The World in Two Categories

I've just watched disc one of "Baraka". First the images are amazing. But there is much more to this film than the beauty of the photography.

Shortly into the film I became aware of how deeply spiritual this movie is. I became aware that everything in the universe falls into two categories:

• those things that point to God
• those things that are searching, reaching for God

God is wisdom, beauty, happiness, fulfillment, peace, love....and everything we do is an insatiable longing for those things.

I encourage everyone to watch this film and watch with an awareness. It is hugely obvious and I believe I will be viewing the world through these eyes from this point on.

I"M STUCK

I know the truth of this and yet I still find myself doing it.

When things aren't going well, or at least not the way I want, I withdraw, turn inward, get quiet...

So here I am. I have discovered in this process that I am spoiled. I have pretty much gotten whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. If it wasn't given to me I was a good enough manipulator, planner, figurer-er-outer that I could make it happen.

But....not this time. I'm trying not to let the house be the only thing I think about during every waking hour. It is a battle.

However, as usual, God has brought a book to me that is accompanying me on this path. It is called "The Way of Transition" by William Bridges. I think I thought the transition time was over. Guess again. Think again.

So this morning here is what I read. It completely describes how I am feeling. I don't know why it helps to know. It doesn't "fix" anything. But it does comfort me in some strange way.

"While the other two phases of transition are often bracketed by events, the neutral zone is more like an uneventful gap in your lifetime. It is a colorless streak of emptiness that spreads across your life, like the gray smear left by a dirty eraser.

"It is difficult to describe the neutral zone without speaking metaphorically. It is a season of dormancy when life withdraws back into the root to get ready for a long, cold season without whatever had given warmth and meaning to life-before-the-ending. It is a strange no-man's-land between one world and the next. It is a zone where you pick up mixed signals, some coming from the past and some from the future. Sometimes the signals jumble into noise, while at other times they cancel each other out, leaving only an eerie silence. It is a low-pressure area, where all kinds of heavy weather is drawn into the vacuum left by the loss. It is a dark night of the heart - or, maybe, a long dark twilight that refuses to resolve itself into either real day or true night....

"I found myself in a situation where, for the first time in almost forty years, I could do anything I wanted to do. But as far as I could tell, there was absolutely nothing that I wanted to do. I often caught myself staring at the wall,my mind a blank."

Now, in case anyone is worried about me...don't be. I really am ok. Just so frustrated at being on hold. Brad and I were at a grad party for him and other masters students Saturday night. Talking to people about what we are looking forward to was so energizing. It makes me laugh, smile, cry, all in the anticipation of the next phase. But then I come home and sit.

So, what am I doing to try to occupy the "neutral zone"? I am pushing in again to knowing God in different ways. My goal is to spend more time just with this mysterious one who totally perplexes me.

And, since this post is about honesty for me I feel a bit of guilt. No, not a bit; a lot. I feel bad that Brad goes to work everyday and my work is figuring out how to fill my day and have a good attitude about it. This needs major adjustment but that one I'm not sure how to do.

So,
(and yes, that is the end of the post)

Being a Woman

I have been reading a book titled "A Woman's Journey to God".
I bought this at a library book store not really knowing what it would be like.
It has been one of those books that change your life. From this
author I have become aware of how much I have rejected being feminine. Women will relate to this: don't show emotion, it makes you look weak; not embracing the whole "girlfriend" thing. I don't know it's hard to put into words for me.
I wish I could have do overs - for my whole life. I wish I could raise my daughters all over (and my son but for different reasons).
Being feminine is such a mysterious thing. No wonder so many men don't "get" us. But it is the mysterious aspect that makes us so like God.
I have this great desire to lead retreats for women about being feminine; about truly loving who we are; about being spiritual.

Bonus:
I always take a while choosing a picture from flickr to use in each blog. It probably takes me more time to choose the picture than to write the blog. It has to speak to me. It has to be what I am trying to say. If you want a treat go to flickr and just search "women". It was so hard to choose. These women are gorgeous. I wanted to be Indian, I wanted to be Asian, I wanted to be African. I felt boring after looking at these photos.

Sleepless Night

I didn't get much sleep last night. Concern, no flat out worry, for someone I love. This morning, feeling like I can only waste the day not knowing what to do, I decided to read several emails from a source I subscribe to. I collect them in a file and then read several at a time and then save them for the future.
In one from last month I came across an instruction on meditation.



This passage is from Theresa of Avila:
"Let nothing upset you
Let nothing frighten you
Everything is changing
God alone is changeless"

Spirituality is not just thinking about God or trying to get closer to God. Spirituality is how you live your life. My whole life I have heard the question, "Why do bad things happen to us? I try to follow God. It doesn't seem fair or right." I am coming to understand (or at least try) that my spirituality has to do with how I live through those kinds of things. Do I fight against them? Do I get overcome by them? Do I try to smile and act like they don't impact me? The answer I want is that I just walk with them. I sorrow over the things that hurt me or the people I love. I see the pain in the things that just don't seem fair. But, I accept that this is life. Being spiritual is not escaping the everday-ness. It is immersing myself in it. Doesn't mean I don't pray for relief, answers, healing, blessing; but my spirituality is not founded in how that turns out. Can I walk with the Divine through all of this? Can I be on a journey with mystery and observe all that is around me and not give up; not wonder if the One has forsaken me or stopped loving me? This is hard. It was easier when my faith said, "just pray and everything will be better". There is no guarantee in that. My faith and spirituality is looking deeper inside me. Being ok with me. Knowing I am not alone. It is times like this when I need an experiential knowledge of the blending of God's transcendence and immanence. I can't live without both those images.
I will continue to meditate on this passage all day. I hope it goes so deep in me that when I lay my head down at night it oozes out.

Justice and The Hallelujah

This was one of those mornings....in a mysteriously spiritual way. The last couple of weeks I have been spending time contemplating justice. What is it? How does it work? If one person receives justice, most likely another will not.

Sunday I was reminded of the many OT verses about justice. I spent time this morning reading them slowly and meditating on them. I got no where. Well, in the sense that I still didn't know what it is but I do know it is important to God. I decided I would try in my feeble and not very good way to draw it. You don't need to see my picture. You would probably laugh. But when I was done with this hugely simplistic drawing I found my self writing, "Justice is freedom to receive the mercy of God". I felt that was at least a start.

I decided to check my email as I was drinking my orange juice. Last night Brad sent me a link to a youtube music video. I opened it just a few minutes ago. K.D. Lang was singing Leonard Cohen's "The Hallelujah". I must say this song always touches my soul. I never quite understood what it all meant but I love the spirit of it.

As I watched K.D. sing it I was enlightened. This blog isn't about the meaning of the song. It is what happened inside me. I have always had this small (maybe not so small) aversion to K.D. As I saw her sing this my judgement of her melted away. It was like in singing it she was completely displaying her heart; the hurts, the short comings, the judgements that had been spoken against her. Now I am not saying she would agree with this. But, this is how the spirit used it for me. I began to weep. I released any judgement I had held of her. I embraced who she is. "Justice is freedom to receive the mercy of God".

K.D. became for me this morning a metaphor for justice. I feel cleansed. Once more God has been kind in opening my heart and my eyes to more of Her bigness and Her mystery.

Please, take time to watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE

Can A Person Be A Place?

What do I want?

I stop reading this morning to attempt to answer this question. I truly believe the things I want are not a trying to get God’s approval or love. But what is it?
I want to be a person who people are drawn to. Oh, it’s not a popularity thing. I want to be a place; a place where others find themselves. A place that provides freedom to discover and enjoy who they are.
A couple of years ago my spiritual director gave me a piece called “Hollowing”. This was in response to my struggle of describing how I was feeling. I told her I felt empty; not in the sense of hopelessness, but something intentional. Here is a portion of that piece:

Some of you I will hollow out.
I will make you a cave.
I will carve you so deep the stars will shine in your darkness.

You will be a bowl.
You will be the cup in the rock collecting rain.

I will hollow you with knives.
I will not do this to make you clean.
I will not do this to make you pure.
You are clean already.
You are pure already.

I will do this because the world needs the hollowness of you.
I will do this for the space that you will be.
I will do this because you must be large.

A passage.
People will find their way through you.
A bowl.
People will eat from you and their hunger will not weaken them unto death.
A cup.
To catch the sacred rain.

At the moment of reading this I knew that is what I wanted to be. I knew this had been written for me.

This morning I asked myself once more what I wanted and why. Why? For some reason I must make sure inside that I am not wanting this for my own fulfillment although I would be so pleased to be this.

This begs the next question….what if no one wants this? What if the thing that I believe is one of my own deepest desires; the desire for community, isn’t desired by another? What if this yearning is mine alone? Community just seems so important to me right now. This is not some kind of possessive dependence on another but a healthy interdependence. It could be what becomes our saving grace for the future.

So, do I have an answer to my own question? No, but faith says The Holy One has put this desire in me and I now walk in it.

Child Woundedness

So, here's my musing for today.
I have loved getting connected via FB. It has brought many, many people back into my life. There is something restorative about renewing these relationships (cyber though they be). As a reflection of what I have been reading this morning, this is where I have come. Woundedness, given and received, seems to come from the child within us. Our "little-oneness" is easily hurt and that same one can easily hurt, sometimes in an effort to self-protect. In reconnecting with people from my past it is as though I (and I think some of them by their own admission) have been able to recognize the child that was. I can now dismiss the past as acts of a child.
Now, the truth is, I will always have that "little-oneness" as a part of me. My hope is I can recognize it quicker and give it a good talking to before it acts. But, it won't always work. It is part of me and I think part of you.
Somewhere inside me these songs of forgiveness and/or re-established love come bubbling up. I love it. I feel fresh. I feel clean. I feel renewed.
What do you think? Am I way off here? Is this just me (which I'm ok with)?