I warn you this is a much longer blog than I normally do. I apologize. I just need to say it and look at it and return to it and ponder it. You will be completely excused for passing this one over.
It is a bit humorous considering my last post was about dreaming to be a writer; I have written nothing. It has come to my attention that being rather lost in my life right now has caused me to think I have nothing to say; or rather that I don't want any one to read what I have to say.
A friend recently encouraged me to keep writing. Maybe there are those whose hearts would identify and find encouragement in finding another who is in the same place. So, I confess, I have been in quite a funk. Brad and I have struggle to find God's will for our lives here in this time and place.
One of the things we were exposed to in our "Seattle Journey" was the teaching of Ignatious. Brad did some reading at SU and I took a 6 week course at St. Joseph's Center for Ignatian Spirituality on discovering God's will.
Ignatious taught there were 3 ways to find this will. The first time (this is the word he used for the type of process) was that you just know that you know what you are suppose to do. The second time is being aware of consolations and desolations in your life. And, the third time is to do a more analytical exploration which includes making lists of the pros and cons of each decision or path.
Brad and I have found that until about 6 years ago we had always known God's will for our lives by Ignatious' first time. It has always been easy. We just knew what we were supposed to do. However these last several years we find this has not been working. So a couple of Sundays ago we spent some time at a very spiritual place - La Boulangerie - talking about our future. We started talking about the consolations and desolations of our lives. Consolations are those things that give you life; that energize you; that bring you deep joy. Desolations are those things that drain you; that rob joy from your life. Now there are some desolations that we just have to do as we live our lives. Things like paying bills, cleaning house, repairing the car. But there are other desolations that we can actually eliminate from our lives; maybe those are the things we identify as the "shoulds" of our lives.
Brad begin to talk about those things that give him life and joy. They included hospice work, spiritual direction and teaching. We are people who love to walk the journey with others. This is where we get our life, the energy to live our lives. We left the cafe that morning saying we knew what we would do, what would be the next step. Feeling a bit energized by this decision we had a nice afternoon.
Then, the next morning we awake to the realization we still don't have a way to receive income. Back to square one. It seems we continue to go back and forth in knowing and not knowing. Just last week we once again made a decision of what to do. And, wouldn't you know it, two more possibilities were laid before us. Again, the fruition of either of these could be weeks away so we are left once more with what should we do.
This has been a difficult time for two reasons. One is feeling no purpose. We are not living our lives "toward" anything. The second is fear of the future. What will happen a couple of months from now if no progress is made monetarily?
It is a confusing time. It seems a bit strange that I continue to trust God on a certain level. I don't know where that comes from. Have I raised my voice to him at times? Yes. Have I argued with him? Yes. Have I asked over and over "What should we do? What do you want?" Yes. Thee seems to be no answer right now. I try not to give up my hope that there is a God who does care about my daily life. But I don't know. I assure you I don't question whether I should continue on with God; I am just not sure what this journey with him should look like right now. Maybe this is an excellent test of whether I am really ok with the questions without the answers.
