DESIRE

This morning as I sit reading I find myself, once again, in a familiar place. It's not a place that I enjoy. Daily as I do spiritual reading a longing rises up inside me. It's a desire I sometimes fear will never be fulfilled again. This hunger makes me sad. I suppose I could think of more eloquent, descriptive language for this feeling but I think the simplicity of "sad" says it all.

Then, it's like I begin to fold within; fold upon myself. Is that really God in there? Is that where I find him? Peace immediately comes. I seem to hear, "Here I am".

I'm aware that I look for God all around me. Trying to find a people, a place where this loneliness, this hunger will be fed. For now, for this time, I need to look deep within my soul and see The Wonder. It has to be enough for now. After all, it is all I have in this moment.

The question, then, is can it be enough? Can I live in that inner-ness? In all honesty it's not what I want but it is what I have.

Admission

Many years ago I lead a study of the book of John. To this day it was one of the most meaningful Bible studies I have ever done. It was about just looking at Jesus; how he lived each day; how he related to people.

As I remember one powerful thing I observed was how it was said of the disciples several times, "And then they believed". That gave me great comfort. It still does. These men who walked with Christ had to continually overcome doubt. Their conversion seemed to be life long instead of immediate.

I have found myself identifying with these followers once again.

Today it is written, "And then she believed."

Walking In

I've just started "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris.

Within this book I seem to find myself. It's not that the author writes "about" me. It's just that as I am reading I am reminded of who I am. Christ's voice becomes clear. I struggle to hear his voice most times. But the words of this poet telling her own story seems to make clear my call.

I make myself envision walking into the pages and find myself in a place of freedom; a place I can move about without worry; a place I find comfort and peace.

I want to spend the day reading this book so I can stay in this place of identity. But I also don't want to finish the book. I fear I may find myself homeless again.