What's Coming?

I picked up a book today that has been on Brad’s bookshelf for a few years. I think he had to read a selection from it at SU. I may have even looked at the book myself but it wasn’t my time for reading it.


Today, as I began, I felt that uncomfortable feeling stirring within. This book was provoking some anger. I’m not sure what the anger is directed at. Well, maybe it was this same feeling from a few years ago; this is going to mess with me. I realized the many books I have read in the past year were books I could nod my head to and say, “oh, yes, I agree with that”. I’m not sure this book is going to illicit that same kind of response.

But, those aren’t the kind of books that change us; the books we can give mental assent to. I’m not going to mention the name of the book at this time. Trust me, the title, alone, would make you shake your head, not nod. However, I’m ready for some stirring….I think.

This last year of transition has been enough in itself. You can only have so many things poking at you and pulling at you at one time.

This book would be a great one for a book club. There is a bit of fear in me though about starting one, especially with this particular subject matter. That is a little off track but it is part of my thought process as I begin this written journey.

Pain and Life

My heart seems to continually be in pain lately.  I am repeatedly astounded at the cruelty humankind displays.  We seem like a weapon aimed at hurting.  How can we, created with the express purpose to love, find dominance and revenge and judgement such a huge part of living?

A friend recently posted a video on FB about Oogle, a dog rescued from being a "bait" dog for dog fighters.  The news article about the Muslim taxi driver who was stabbed when he answered the question about being Muslim.

Even as I type these stories my heart feels like it is getting bloated with the pain.  I keep finding myself saying, "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry."  Oh God, I am sorry that we have come to this. Yes, I know there is much good and beauty in the world.  But, that cannot be an excuse for the awful and ugly in the world.

I feel like the whole earth needs to take a very deep breath and learn to be still and present.  Can we stop this?  I don't know.  What I can do is watch how I walk today.   Watch my words, watch my thoughts, watch my actions.  And perhaps there is one more thing.....gently and without judgement perhaps speak to hurtful situations I come across. 

It's kind of like we need a slap to the face for a reality check.  Remember those old movies where the guy slaps the woman to try to get her to see what is really happening?  (Of course I think those kinds of visuals in movies is a contributing factor to the way some men treat women.)  But the point is "we need to get a grip". 

God is not going to magically change the world.  That is what we are here for.  We must, I must personally take responsibility to end cruelty, prejudice, pain, suffering.  I just hope that today I can "act justly, love mercy and walk humbly before my God".

(Thanks, Denise, for bringing this passage before me.)

Living Who I Am

I have just finished reading Wendell Berry’s “Jaber Crow”. This is one of the best novels I have ever experienced. How do I make that judgment? Because when I am finished I am sad. I am leaving behind people I love and a sense of place I would like to remain in.

Reading this book caused me to think a lot about living who I am made to be; living the “place” I was made to live. Sometimes, many times, this does not fit the culture of our world.

As I read this book that was set in the south, I thought of my dad. Reuben grew up in Arkansas. They were farmers. I have gotten the idea that most people who grew up in that region of the States wanted one thing…..to get out; mostly to move to the dream of California. I understand the economics of the depression would have pushed people to look for the land of opportunity. But, I also wonder how many, by moving, lost part of who they were.

Reuben came to California straight from his military service. I’m not sure if he ever even stopped in Arkansas after his dishcarge . His family had moved to California while he was oversees.

For most of his adult life he lived a California life. Got a job. Worked 9 – 5. When I was very young he hunted. We had hunting dogs and many weekends he would head for the woods. Every vacation we ever took was to the east side of the Sierras. My dad lived for those vacations. We would drive into places no one else would dare to go (and without 4-wheel drive). I often wondered if we would be able to get out. He would leave early in the morning and hike to places to fish; always coming home with dinner.

When I had been married a few years Reuben and Lona bought some property “out in the middle of nowhere”. The first time I saw it I must admit I wasn’t too sure. For a couple of years they lived part time in a trailer on this property while their home was being built and part time in the back of my mom’s beauty salon.

They turned this property into paradise. The house was lovely but the rest of the property was an oasis: fruit trees, vegetable garden, flowers, and room for a pig and a beefalo. My parents became alive again.

Many years later in following Brad and I back to Fresno they bought another home with some land. It had an almond orchard and two ponds. My dad would “fish” from the pond and work to keep the property beautiful. Feeling they were getting too old to do the work they moved to the city; nice house on a small lot.

That’s when my dad started to die.

When we moved to Seattle and Reuben and Lona once again wanted to follow us, I admit my dad was one of the reasons I wanted the house we bought in Edmonds. The creek, the woods. I thought it would give him one last chance to be surrounded by what seem to bring life to him. It was too late though. By the time we moved them in with us he couldn’t get up and down the hill to sit beside the creek and he died just 3 months later.

Why am I writing this now? Jaber Crow has made me aware of living who I am. There have been times over these last 10 months that I have thought Brad and I are too old to be starting something new. Then I remembered my dad was 64 years old when they moved to their little country life. As long as he lived who he was deep inside…a lover of the land and of nature….he stayed young and full of life.

I need to continue to recognize who I am deep inside. What am I made of? Where do I find myself? What brings life to my spirit?

These may not be the things others give value or worth to, but that doesn’t really matter. Life and the love of living come from being our true selves.


Footnote:  I wish I had a more recent picture of my dad on my computer.  I loved his gentle wrinkles. 

SOLITUDE

I realized this morning that I have always believed that upon waking I am empty, ready for a new day.  Now I know otherwise.  Sleep is an escape from the nudging of "I have things to get done".  My mind becomes immediately full of what needs to be done today (at least my ego believes there are things that NEED to get done), the things that weren't accomplished yesterday and even borrowing from the list for next week. 

It is only by taking time for solitude that I become empty and ready for the day.  This list of "to dos" gets moved over to the next column.  Yes, I will work on completing those items on the list but the real living is being done while doing them.

Who will I encounter as I do each thing?  Will I be available and accessible to them?  Will I act with love toward them?  What will I discover about myself as I enter each task?

These are the things that matter.  These are the things that make living a grace.  Yes, it's nice to put a check mark by each chore but I want life to be a gift to me and to others.

When I come to solitude I can empty myself, become hollow and actually useful.  I look at the day ahead with true wonder and expectancy. 

Oh, I just had a thought.  Maybe I can take moments of solitude throughout the day to again be emptied and readied.  It wouldn't have to be long...just a moment or two to remember it is about those I have been given to love that day.

How I wish I could live in the peacefulness of this moment each hour of the day.

Arranged Marriage?

"Jesus lives in your heart."  I was taught this from childhood. "Abide in me as I abide in you".  I've always wondered how this worked.

This morning while working at practicing mindfulness - wait, I do have to comment on this.  Spiritual disciplines are most often work, I think.  They do not come naturally; at least not when a new practice is being learned.  I find for myself there are so many spiritual practices I should or would like to be part of my life that I tend to jump from one to another not really becoming an expert or even comfortable with any one of them.

So back to this morning.  I was contemplating the idea of awareness.  What would that look like today, just today, if I practiced it all through my goings?  I know I have been thinking a lot about how my quest for The Mystery has changed.  Rather than always looking outward to experience the holy I have discovered that I find the Presence deep within myself.  I'm not sure how to explain this.  Thankfully there are many, many others who have eloquently written about this very subject so I don't feel the need to define it other than to say I am finding reality in it.

Unexpectedly I began to wonder if knowing God isn't very much like an arranged marriage.  God has put his/herself within each of us.  When we become aware of this we begin our journey of knowing the unknowable.  It seems that many arranged marriages work, last even today with our aversion to being controlled and told what to do.  Why is this?  Perhaps as the couple rests in the reality of their circumstance they discover the value that each holds for the other.  I wonder if it takes more effort to make an arranged marriage work?  I don't think this would be a bad thing...to work harder at the relationship.  Perhaps it is just being aware of the presence of this other and allowing them to be in your life.  Can I compare this to knowing God? 

It is about awareness.  We can live our whole lives never noticing or acknowledging the presence of Emanuel all around us and within us.

So I move forward through my day trying, practicing, hoping for awareness.  What were you aware of today?  Did being aware change the way you lived today?  Did it change your relationship with the people you came across?

Borrowing a Prayer

"Jesus, human words cannot bear the weight of Your mercy and compassion.  My union with You is like being so attached that life seems impossible without You.  Detached from You during my days of sour wine and withered roses was (is)  a shadow life.  I have no sense of myself apart form You.  My bones say thank You for this now moment.  Amen"

This is from Brennan Manning's "The Furious Longing of God".  I love when I read something that says what my own heart and soul feel but cannot express.  During this rather dark, empty time I have wondered if the homesickness I feel for God's presence in me; the feeling so unattached to my faith; was somehow more of the memory of a dream than reality.  Manning so well expresses this feeling for me.  "Sour wine and withered roses" assures me that what I long for is real, it has been.  And, it is my bones, that which holds my very self together, which recognizes those brief moments where the beloved passes by, maybe quickly, but close enough to feel the touch.

Dr. Seuss Was Right

"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads." --

Dr. Seuss

Prayer - Questions

Hope - Deferred

Anticipation - Disappointment

Love - Continuous

Doubt - Acceptance

Peace - Shifting



(Thanks to Susan for this quote which has led me to a way to express all that is inside without having to strain to put it down on paper. This is just the surface of the deep.)

Today's Question

Being on this journey lately has brought a question to the forefront for me.  After all these years of "knowing" God, which is the most important to pursue:  the presence or working for social justice?

Deep inside I long for a lasting sense of presence but when it doesn't come I can get discouraged or start analyzing my life to see what I may be doing wrong. 

Looking toward the margins and seeing who or what I can touch is easier to "do" but is that all that I'm left with at this point in life.  By saying "all" I am not minimizing the work of social justice by any means.  I am trying to find where it fits in my own self.  I was reminded the other evening that Marcus Borg says we are to pursue, we need both.  I agree with that.  However, Mother Teresa says once she began her work with the poor in Calcutta she never felt God's presence again. 

Ouch, that hurts.  I hurt for her, even though I'm sure she doesn't need my sympathy, but I also hurt for myself knowing that is a possible movement of God in my life.  Working for social change is something I can actively move toward, do, accomplish.  Being in God's presence is an anti-action.  I find more and more God's presence is found in the emptying of myself, of quietness, solitude, openness.  And then it is almost as though I have to just believe this One is with me. 

Living through the 8 years or so of the incredible visitation we had makes the hole even deeper.  And yet, at the same time experiencing the life giving joy of God's presence is beyond measure.

For the readers who have been with me for a while you will remember that I write this blog for myself; to help me put the overload of what is going on in my mind and heart into fewer words hoping to find resolution.  So, knowing that, here is what I think today.  I will be more active in moving toward those who need more but keep digging deep within myself to find the God who is there.  I know God is there.  Brad and I both had a realization this weekend after spending time with some folks:  we are more contented, peaceful people than we have ever been.  Who we have become is good.  I can live with the awareness that God is present even if there are not as many visceral moments. 

Saying this helps me live it.

Which Way?

    I warn you this is a much longer blog than I normally do.  I apologize.  I just need to say it and look at it and return to it and ponder it.  You will be completely excused for passing this one over.

     

      It is a bit humorous considering my last post was about dreaming to be a writer; I have written nothing.  It has come to my attention that being rather lost in my life right now has caused me to think I have nothing to say; or rather that I don't want any one to read what I have to say. 

      

     A friend recently encouraged me to keep writing.  Maybe there are those whose hearts would identify and find encouragement in finding another who is in the same place.  So, I confess, I have been in quite a funk.  Brad and I have struggle to find God's will for our lives here in this time and place. 

     One of the things we were exposed to in our "Seattle Journey" was the teaching of Ignatious.  Brad did some reading at SU and I took a 6 week course at St. Joseph's Center for Ignatian Spirituality on discovering God's will. 

     Ignatious taught there were 3 ways to find this will.  The first time (this is the word he used for the type of process) was that you just know that you know what you are suppose to do.  The second time is being aware of consolations and desolations in your life.  And, the third time is to do a more analytical exploration which includes making lists of the pros and cons of each decision or path.

     Brad and I have found that until about 6 years ago we had always known God's will for our lives by Ignatious' first time.  It has always been easy.  We just knew what we were supposed to do.  However these last several years we find this has not been working.  So a couple of Sundays ago we spent some time at a very spiritual place - La Boulangerie - talking about our future.  We started talking about the consolations and desolations of our lives.  Consolations are those things that give you life; that energize you; that bring you deep joy.  Desolations are those things that drain you; that rob joy from your life.  Now there are some desolations that we just have to do as we live our lives.  Things like paying bills, cleaning house, repairing the car.  But there are other desolations that we can actually eliminate from our lives; maybe those are the things we identify as the "shoulds" of our lives.

     Brad begin to talk about those things that give him life and joy.  They included hospice work, spiritual direction and teaching.  We are people who love to walk the journey with others.  This is where we get our life, the energy to live our lives.  We left the cafe that morning saying we knew what we would do, what would be the next step.  Feeling a bit energized by this decision we had a nice afternoon. 

     Then, the next morning we awake to the realization we still don't have a way to receive income.  Back to square one.  It seems we continue to go back and forth in knowing and not knowing.  Just last week we once again made a decision of what to do.  And, wouldn't you know it, two more possibilities were laid before us.  Again, the fruition of either of these could be weeks away so we are left once more with what should we do.

     This has been a difficult time for two reasons.  One is feeling no purpose.  We are not living our lives "toward" anything.  The second is fear of the future.  What will happen a couple of months from now if no progress is made monetarily? 

     It is a confusing time.  It seems a bit strange that I continue to trust God on a certain level.  I don't know where that comes from.  Have I raised my voice to him at times?  Yes.  Have I argued with him?  Yes.  Have I asked over and over "What should we do?  What do you want?"  Yes.  Thee seems to be no answer right now.  I try not to give up my hope that there is a God who does care about my daily life.  But I don't know.  I assure you I don't question whether I should continue on with God; I am just not sure what this journey with him should look like right now.  Maybe this is an excellent test of whether I am really ok with the questions without the answers.

    

    

A Dream

I want to be a writer. I wish I were a writer.

To inspire, comfort, challenge; to bring joy, laughter, tears, silence.

To open worlds to others who either can't see or are limited by place and time.

To see the world in complex detail and use words to lift the veil that hides so others can see.

To change that complexity to simplicity which is able to go to the heart.

To experience the honor of someone else reading what I have written and be impacted, changed by it.

And to find the freedom and the words to say what is deep within or may scurry across my mind quickly to disappear.

And to not be concerned how others may judge my words or my ability.

DESIRE

This morning as I sit reading I find myself, once again, in a familiar place. It's not a place that I enjoy. Daily as I do spiritual reading a longing rises up inside me. It's a desire I sometimes fear will never be fulfilled again. This hunger makes me sad. I suppose I could think of more eloquent, descriptive language for this feeling but I think the simplicity of "sad" says it all.

Then, it's like I begin to fold within; fold upon myself. Is that really God in there? Is that where I find him? Peace immediately comes. I seem to hear, "Here I am".

I'm aware that I look for God all around me. Trying to find a people, a place where this loneliness, this hunger will be fed. For now, for this time, I need to look deep within my soul and see The Wonder. It has to be enough for now. After all, it is all I have in this moment.

The question, then, is can it be enough? Can I live in that inner-ness? In all honesty it's not what I want but it is what I have.

Admission

Many years ago I lead a study of the book of John. To this day it was one of the most meaningful Bible studies I have ever done. It was about just looking at Jesus; how he lived each day; how he related to people.

As I remember one powerful thing I observed was how it was said of the disciples several times, "And then they believed". That gave me great comfort. It still does. These men who walked with Christ had to continually overcome doubt. Their conversion seemed to be life long instead of immediate.

I have found myself identifying with these followers once again.

Today it is written, "And then she believed."

Walking In

I've just started "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris.

Within this book I seem to find myself. It's not that the author writes "about" me. It's just that as I am reading I am reminded of who I am. Christ's voice becomes clear. I struggle to hear his voice most times. But the words of this poet telling her own story seems to make clear my call.

I make myself envision walking into the pages and find myself in a place of freedom; a place I can move about without worry; a place I find comfort and peace.

I want to spend the day reading this book so I can stay in this place of identity. But I also don't want to finish the book. I fear I may find myself homeless again.

LENT AND CONVERSION

These passages are from Kathleen Norris' "Amazing Grace". I will not comment on them. I let them stand as the text of my thoughts for this week.

"At breakfast on Tuesday morning I was touched to discover that one of the women had decorated the dining area for Mardi Gras. We each has a place mat adorned with rickrack, and a construction paper mobile of spring flowers, adding a bit of color and cheer, hung above the table. The sub-zero cold outside, the dreary sky, suddenly seemed less discouraging. That afternoon, I purchased a bunch of daffodils for the table, and the sister who was home when I arrive got up to find a vase. We talked about Lent, and she told me that for most of her life she had considered it only in punitive terms, as a time of self-denial. "Now," she said, "I still fast, but my reasons for fasting have changed." She hope to recover Lent as an aspect of spring itself, a time of waiting, but also of burgeoning hopes. For her this meant paying close attention to things like intake of food and the acquiring of possessions not in order to punish herself but to ore fully honor the good things in life."

"Conversion is a process; it is not a goal, not a product we consume. And it's a bodily process, to only an emotional or intellectual one. The very cells in our body are busy changing, renewing themselves, ever few days. Yet we remain recognizable ourselves. That is how conversion works, a paradox beautifully expressed in two vows that are unique to Benedictine life. To join a monastic community, people promise stability, pledging to remain in that community for life. At the same time they also promise to remain always open to change, to what is loosely translated as a "conversion of life."
We know what happens when we have stability without conversion; we end up stagnant, curled up comfortably with that familiar idol called "This is the way we've always done it." And conversion without stability may describe the current state of affairs with regard to the spiritual life in America. Many seem to value change for it's own sake; we're always after something new. But when seeking the holy becomes a goal in itself, the last thing we want to do is it. In all of the religious traditions I know of, anything that feels like finding translates into commitment. And like conversion itself, commitment is scary."

Good Ol' Friends

Yesterday I visited a church because an old friend was going to be there. It was so good to see her. It reminded me of how valuable past relationships are to the present. It actually caused a bubbling of joy in me, even this morning. I enjoyed seeing her excitement over a hobby turned more. How do we continue to cultivate friendships and relationships when we don't see each other very often? I was so aware yesterday of how much we could enlighten each other by sharing our recent journeys.

Since distance separates us a bit I am determined to value those close by and take and make opportunities to grow the friendships that are near.

My Deconstruction

The term "deconstruction" used in talking about spirituality and referring to who I am is relatively new to me. I don't know how long it has been commonly used in this way but I have only been aware of it for the last 2 - 3 years. When I first heard someone talk about their own deconstruction, something inside jumped to grab hold of that word.

This is what I feel has happened to me the last few years. What about me has been "deconstructed"? What I believe; how I believe; what is faith; who is God; how do I relate to this mystery; how does this impact how I relate to the world? In other words, most of who I am.

What I am seeing lately is that it is important for me to stay in this place of deconstruction for a while. Don't rebuild too quickly. Yes there has been some progress made in the rebuilding, but if I want it to be the structure (the flowing, fluid structure) that God wants, I need to let the process be slow.

As part of this process here is an example of my rebuilding:

"The way is narrow" - this used to mean to me that finding God was very difficult. You could easily miss it or even if you had a glimpse of the path it was too difficult a climb to stay on it. I am now reconsidering that explanation.

What if the "seeing" of the way is not so difficult? After all during advent we read about making the way straight, flat, easy (you can read my thoughts on this in past posts). What if the narrow part is truly following Jesus, his example. I'm not talking about healing, ruling, making it to heaven. Any one would want to follow those things. But what if the narrow part is the social, political example of Christ's life?

Will I stand for justice?
Will I defend and protect the marginalized?
Will I speak out against power and domination?
Will I eat with "drunkards and sinners"?
Will I invite the prostitute to sit at my table?

I say yes to all of this - I believe all of this. But can I, will I actually live it?

It is obvious this way is narrow. Consider Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Jr. I know there are others that have not become so well known in following this path. Again, this way is narrow. Even as I write this something in my heart aches because I don't know if I can do it.

Do I love God? Yes
Do I identify Christ as the way? Yes
Do I pray? Yes

But, the rest is much more difficult. This is the kind of person I want to be rebuilt as. A kind of $6,000,000 man I guess. I think I will take this slowly. I need the Spirit step by step, inch by inch. Maybe the important part of staying on the narrow way is sight. Looking, seeing, being aware.

I have no answer, no formula. But I do have a desire. Hopefully that will keep me on the path.

AND NOW WHAT

This is Saint Brigid of Kildare. My vows to be an Oblate of St. Benedict has connected me to the Monastery of St. Brigid in Minnesota. I took my final vows last Monday. This last week I have been asking myself, "So now, what?"

Since there is no Benedictine community nearby I know my oblation will be mostly one alone. I hope to visit a community once in a while. The closest is about 3 1/2 hours away. Maybe I'll go to the St. Brigid's retreat this summer. I don't know.

I do sense that this step has had a deep, lasting affect on my being. Saying my prayers from the breviary each day; knowing many around the world are joining me. It has been a great source of centering each morning. Continuing to read the Rule and commentaries on the Rule are what I think are really tranforming. It truly is a way of being spiritual. Today was the last day of the 12 steps of humility. Yes, 12. As I read these I am lead to pray that I would live my life by Benedict's Rule.

The week before I took my vow I was required to think about why this way is one I would choose. I realized how much of who I am and my own journey is Benedictine. The heart of it all is that my spirituality is walked out, lived out in everydayness. And it is a life of hospitality. More and more I want to be a person who welcomes all to my table. My table might be one at Echo Cafe (since I don't have my own space right now), but I can make it my table to welcome those I meet there.

I'm not sure where this path will take me. Will it be one that is wide and just around the lip of a canyon? Or will it eventually be one that becomes narrower and narrower and takes me to the depths?

I guess the journey and adventure never end.

The Same or Different?

I don’t like to write long blogs; mostly because I don’t like to read long blogs. However, I find what has been on my mind the last few weeks may not be something I can keep short. So, if you don’t want to read it, it’s ok. I need to get these things said for myself
I have always been a bit idealistic I think. I fear my views of this subject are highly idealistic but I can continue to hope and dream for the reality of it.
My heart grows continually sadder as I see more and more division in the body of Christ. I just don’t get it. First we have the fences that have been built between “them” and “us”. This refers to those of us who follow Christ and those who don’t; those who are religious and those who aren’t. I truly believe we are all on a spiritual journey. Some of us don’t recognize our lives as this journey. If we could encourage each other in the journey that is our lives we may find more and more people discovering the depth of their spirituality.
The next set of walls is the one between denominations. Why is it so difficult to see the body of Christ is joined together by the body and the blood of Christ? That most important commonality is really all that matters. How can there be so much enmity between denominations and churches and followers? We refuse to walk through the doors of another church. We fear what might be found within the doors of a “foreign” place. What if I am told something that is different than what I know thus far? We seem to have erected the fences of “them” and “us” even within the church.
Why is it so difficult to recognize there are many ways to worship? We give mental assent to each other’s faith but when we part ways we whisper to those who are like us that we just don’t see how those people can believe the way they do or why their church does the things it does. Is it possible to instead let the conversation be, “Wow, that’s really awesome that they follow God like that; that they find God in the way they worship.”
We have invented so many creeds that were never part of what The One Who Came taught. If we examine the things taught we find a very short list of what is required to live with faith. One of my favorite verses in the last few years is "...work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure". If we have faith and trust that God is the one who teaches, who leads, who is at work in each of us, can we not allow that God may have different ways of teaching and leading?
I had this thought last week and I will be pondering it for a while; trying to discover if it is real or not. What if we find God the way we need? This means God may come to me in the way I need right now. It may be a different appearance than yours. And, it may change from time to time (or constantly). This doesn’t mean God in his essence changes. If this mysterious God is interested first and foremost in being my guide on this journey of knowing God then wouldn’t that possibly manifest itself as very individualist as far as the way I daily worship and follow? What if God has the desire that I discover more of who he is through nature? Wouldn’t it be ok?
So, for me right now; the way I am finding more of who God is, is through the Eucharist. As I may go through days of wondering if I am hearing God or feeling that presence, I know that as I draw near to The Table I find Christ. I find the wonder, gentleness, creativity and joy of Christ in the wilderness. I like where I am right now in this journey.
The question remains….can I like where you are right now and can you see the value of where I am. I will say it again. All this separation and division really, really makes me sad. It just doesn’t make sense through the eyes of the One Who Is Above All Else or at least through my own eyes.

now lift me into your arms as something precious
that you dropped (from John of the Cross "This Earth is a Bow)

I am feeling I need to meditate on this image. I want to feel I am special and precious to God; not just one of many but uniquely and specially loved.

I think God has just remembered that he dropped me back there on the path. With the awareness of my absence he has come back looking for me. I am calling out to him so he can see where I have landed.

Epiphany

I'm cheating a little bit in my Breviary reading this week. I decided to take the daily prayers for the coming Sunday, Epiphany, and read one office a day. The first vesper's litany really got me. I think it will be my New Year's Resolution in the form of a prayer. I will be reading this prayer throughout the year.

Jesus, though born a child you reign as king. You have revealed in the flesh the marvelous love and power of our God. Accept our gifts and listen as we pray:
Jesus, grant us your salvation

God of the nations, you called the Magi as the first of the Gentiles to kneel before you; help us to honor you with praise and thanksgiving.

God of glory, you judge the peoples with justice, free the oppressed and break the power of the wicked.

God of peace, you shatter the weapons of war; give us peace til the moon fails.

God of Justice, you long to save the poor and the helpless; have pity on the lowly and sunder the chains of human slavery.

Eternal God, you are faithful from age to age; forever send your word into our hearts like snow on winter stubble.

Amen.