LENT AND CONVERSION

These passages are from Kathleen Norris' "Amazing Grace". I will not comment on them. I let them stand as the text of my thoughts for this week.

"At breakfast on Tuesday morning I was touched to discover that one of the women had decorated the dining area for Mardi Gras. We each has a place mat adorned with rickrack, and a construction paper mobile of spring flowers, adding a bit of color and cheer, hung above the table. The sub-zero cold outside, the dreary sky, suddenly seemed less discouraging. That afternoon, I purchased a bunch of daffodils for the table, and the sister who was home when I arrive got up to find a vase. We talked about Lent, and she told me that for most of her life she had considered it only in punitive terms, as a time of self-denial. "Now," she said, "I still fast, but my reasons for fasting have changed." She hope to recover Lent as an aspect of spring itself, a time of waiting, but also of burgeoning hopes. For her this meant paying close attention to things like intake of food and the acquiring of possessions not in order to punish herself but to ore fully honor the good things in life."

"Conversion is a process; it is not a goal, not a product we consume. And it's a bodily process, to only an emotional or intellectual one. The very cells in our body are busy changing, renewing themselves, ever few days. Yet we remain recognizable ourselves. That is how conversion works, a paradox beautifully expressed in two vows that are unique to Benedictine life. To join a monastic community, people promise stability, pledging to remain in that community for life. At the same time they also promise to remain always open to change, to what is loosely translated as a "conversion of life."
We know what happens when we have stability without conversion; we end up stagnant, curled up comfortably with that familiar idol called "This is the way we've always done it." And conversion without stability may describe the current state of affairs with regard to the spiritual life in America. Many seem to value change for it's own sake; we're always after something new. But when seeking the holy becomes a goal in itself, the last thing we want to do is it. In all of the religious traditions I know of, anything that feels like finding translates into commitment. And like conversion itself, commitment is scary."

Good Ol' Friends

Yesterday I visited a church because an old friend was going to be there. It was so good to see her. It reminded me of how valuable past relationships are to the present. It actually caused a bubbling of joy in me, even this morning. I enjoyed seeing her excitement over a hobby turned more. How do we continue to cultivate friendships and relationships when we don't see each other very often? I was so aware yesterday of how much we could enlighten each other by sharing our recent journeys.

Since distance separates us a bit I am determined to value those close by and take and make opportunities to grow the friendships that are near.

My Deconstruction

The term "deconstruction" used in talking about spirituality and referring to who I am is relatively new to me. I don't know how long it has been commonly used in this way but I have only been aware of it for the last 2 - 3 years. When I first heard someone talk about their own deconstruction, something inside jumped to grab hold of that word.

This is what I feel has happened to me the last few years. What about me has been "deconstructed"? What I believe; how I believe; what is faith; who is God; how do I relate to this mystery; how does this impact how I relate to the world? In other words, most of who I am.

What I am seeing lately is that it is important for me to stay in this place of deconstruction for a while. Don't rebuild too quickly. Yes there has been some progress made in the rebuilding, but if I want it to be the structure (the flowing, fluid structure) that God wants, I need to let the process be slow.

As part of this process here is an example of my rebuilding:

"The way is narrow" - this used to mean to me that finding God was very difficult. You could easily miss it or even if you had a glimpse of the path it was too difficult a climb to stay on it. I am now reconsidering that explanation.

What if the "seeing" of the way is not so difficult? After all during advent we read about making the way straight, flat, easy (you can read my thoughts on this in past posts). What if the narrow part is truly following Jesus, his example. I'm not talking about healing, ruling, making it to heaven. Any one would want to follow those things. But what if the narrow part is the social, political example of Christ's life?

Will I stand for justice?
Will I defend and protect the marginalized?
Will I speak out against power and domination?
Will I eat with "drunkards and sinners"?
Will I invite the prostitute to sit at my table?

I say yes to all of this - I believe all of this. But can I, will I actually live it?

It is obvious this way is narrow. Consider Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Jr. I know there are others that have not become so well known in following this path. Again, this way is narrow. Even as I write this something in my heart aches because I don't know if I can do it.

Do I love God? Yes
Do I identify Christ as the way? Yes
Do I pray? Yes

But, the rest is much more difficult. This is the kind of person I want to be rebuilt as. A kind of $6,000,000 man I guess. I think I will take this slowly. I need the Spirit step by step, inch by inch. Maybe the important part of staying on the narrow way is sight. Looking, seeing, being aware.

I have no answer, no formula. But I do have a desire. Hopefully that will keep me on the path.

AND NOW WHAT

This is Saint Brigid of Kildare. My vows to be an Oblate of St. Benedict has connected me to the Monastery of St. Brigid in Minnesota. I took my final vows last Monday. This last week I have been asking myself, "So now, what?"

Since there is no Benedictine community nearby I know my oblation will be mostly one alone. I hope to visit a community once in a while. The closest is about 3 1/2 hours away. Maybe I'll go to the St. Brigid's retreat this summer. I don't know.

I do sense that this step has had a deep, lasting affect on my being. Saying my prayers from the breviary each day; knowing many around the world are joining me. It has been a great source of centering each morning. Continuing to read the Rule and commentaries on the Rule are what I think are really tranforming. It truly is a way of being spiritual. Today was the last day of the 12 steps of humility. Yes, 12. As I read these I am lead to pray that I would live my life by Benedict's Rule.

The week before I took my vow I was required to think about why this way is one I would choose. I realized how much of who I am and my own journey is Benedictine. The heart of it all is that my spirituality is walked out, lived out in everydayness. And it is a life of hospitality. More and more I want to be a person who welcomes all to my table. My table might be one at Echo Cafe (since I don't have my own space right now), but I can make it my table to welcome those I meet there.

I'm not sure where this path will take me. Will it be one that is wide and just around the lip of a canyon? Or will it eventually be one that becomes narrower and narrower and takes me to the depths?

I guess the journey and adventure never end.

The Same or Different?

I don’t like to write long blogs; mostly because I don’t like to read long blogs. However, I find what has been on my mind the last few weeks may not be something I can keep short. So, if you don’t want to read it, it’s ok. I need to get these things said for myself
I have always been a bit idealistic I think. I fear my views of this subject are highly idealistic but I can continue to hope and dream for the reality of it.
My heart grows continually sadder as I see more and more division in the body of Christ. I just don’t get it. First we have the fences that have been built between “them” and “us”. This refers to those of us who follow Christ and those who don’t; those who are religious and those who aren’t. I truly believe we are all on a spiritual journey. Some of us don’t recognize our lives as this journey. If we could encourage each other in the journey that is our lives we may find more and more people discovering the depth of their spirituality.
The next set of walls is the one between denominations. Why is it so difficult to see the body of Christ is joined together by the body and the blood of Christ? That most important commonality is really all that matters. How can there be so much enmity between denominations and churches and followers? We refuse to walk through the doors of another church. We fear what might be found within the doors of a “foreign” place. What if I am told something that is different than what I know thus far? We seem to have erected the fences of “them” and “us” even within the church.
Why is it so difficult to recognize there are many ways to worship? We give mental assent to each other’s faith but when we part ways we whisper to those who are like us that we just don’t see how those people can believe the way they do or why their church does the things it does. Is it possible to instead let the conversation be, “Wow, that’s really awesome that they follow God like that; that they find God in the way they worship.”
We have invented so many creeds that were never part of what The One Who Came taught. If we examine the things taught we find a very short list of what is required to live with faith. One of my favorite verses in the last few years is "...work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure". If we have faith and trust that God is the one who teaches, who leads, who is at work in each of us, can we not allow that God may have different ways of teaching and leading?
I had this thought last week and I will be pondering it for a while; trying to discover if it is real or not. What if we find God the way we need? This means God may come to me in the way I need right now. It may be a different appearance than yours. And, it may change from time to time (or constantly). This doesn’t mean God in his essence changes. If this mysterious God is interested first and foremost in being my guide on this journey of knowing God then wouldn’t that possibly manifest itself as very individualist as far as the way I daily worship and follow? What if God has the desire that I discover more of who he is through nature? Wouldn’t it be ok?
So, for me right now; the way I am finding more of who God is, is through the Eucharist. As I may go through days of wondering if I am hearing God or feeling that presence, I know that as I draw near to The Table I find Christ. I find the wonder, gentleness, creativity and joy of Christ in the wilderness. I like where I am right now in this journey.
The question remains….can I like where you are right now and can you see the value of where I am. I will say it again. All this separation and division really, really makes me sad. It just doesn’t make sense through the eyes of the One Who Is Above All Else or at least through my own eyes.

now lift me into your arms as something precious
that you dropped (from John of the Cross "This Earth is a Bow)

I am feeling I need to meditate on this image. I want to feel I am special and precious to God; not just one of many but uniquely and specially loved.

I think God has just remembered that he dropped me back there on the path. With the awareness of my absence he has come back looking for me. I am calling out to him so he can see where I have landed.

Epiphany

I'm cheating a little bit in my Breviary reading this week. I decided to take the daily prayers for the coming Sunday, Epiphany, and read one office a day. The first vesper's litany really got me. I think it will be my New Year's Resolution in the form of a prayer. I will be reading this prayer throughout the year.

Jesus, though born a child you reign as king. You have revealed in the flesh the marvelous love and power of our God. Accept our gifts and listen as we pray:
Jesus, grant us your salvation

God of the nations, you called the Magi as the first of the Gentiles to kneel before you; help us to honor you with praise and thanksgiving.

God of glory, you judge the peoples with justice, free the oppressed and break the power of the wicked.

God of peace, you shatter the weapons of war; give us peace til the moon fails.

God of Justice, you long to save the poor and the helpless; have pity on the lowly and sunder the chains of human slavery.

Eternal God, you are faithful from age to age; forever send your word into our hearts like snow on winter stubble.

Amen.