Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to "share" about the rough times in life than it is to tell about the hope that has come?So I'm telling of my hope. Last Monday I felt I had kind of hit bottom. Too much doubt. Not knowing how to climb out of this funk. Spending way too much time and energy and spirit on why things aren't the way I want. But, not knowing how to climb out.
I hadn't really journalized for a while so I thought maybe something would be drawn out of me onto the pages that could assist me. You should see what happened. I took my black acrylic crayon and (almost using it all) made a complete black page. That was how I was feeling. Then I took an instrument and drew 3 very, very fine lines of the absence of black. Those represented the light I felt was in my life at the time. (ok I hate always making parenthetical comments but...I know my life is good, my physicality, but my spirit, my hope, my desires were pretty black). Then I just began to write. I must admit I wasn't very kind to God. It was more than a large page of unkindness. I just kept hoping God could take it. And somewhere in the back of my mind or the depth of my spirit I was hoping the Great Mystery wouldn't "smite me dead". Lots of tears but no real enlightenment.
But....(don't you just love that word sometimes) the next morning something had happened. No the house didn't sell. No I didn't win the lottery. It was just "something". The blackness, the void had somehow moved way toward the back. I love when God does this. Do I still fight? Yes. Do I still have moments of wishing for something different? Yes. But the overwhelming, all consuming, paralyzing blackness has dissipated. It's like one of those mornings on the Central California Coast when the fog is so thick and then little by little you can actually see the sphere of sun. It isn't bringing warmth yet. There are no shadows produced yet. But.....
3 comments:
Sometimes hope comes softly, like a slight drizzle before a rain. Thanks for sharing your story of hope. It was uplifting.
I think God designed us with rough times in mind. They are like forks in the road on " the great journey." What happens to me sometime is the rough time brings me to a standstill. I dont go right, or left, I just stop. Its not a resting point as much as its a refusal to go further because the road is not going the way I anticipated it should.There is no growth without pain. Change comes when its too painful to stay in the same familiar place.
The problem/advantage a forked road has is freewill. One can take a step forward or two steps back. In either case they are moving.Or they can dig their heels in and just stop. It seems when I refuse to move darkness catches up with me.
3 fine lines of the absence of black...what a great description of God! In the future when you are pulling others out of blackness, keep them moving.
yah, God is big enough.
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