The term "deconstruction" used in talking about spirituality and referring to who I am is relatively new to me. I don't know how long it has been commonly used in this way but I have only been aware of it for the last 2 - 3 years. When I first heard someone talk about their own deconstruction, something inside jumped to grab hold of that word.
This is what I feel has happened to me the last few years. What about me has been "deconstructed"? What I believe; how I believe; what is faith; who is God; how do I relate to this mystery; how does this impact how I relate to the world? In other words, most of who I am.
What I am seeing lately is that it is important for me to stay in this place of deconstruction for a while. Don't rebuild too quickly. Yes there has been some progress made in the rebuilding, but if I want it to be the structure (the flowing, fluid structure) that God wants, I need to let the process be slow.
As part of this process here is an example of my rebuilding:
"The way is narrow" - this used to mean to me that finding God was very difficult. You could easily miss it or even if you had a glimpse of the path it was too difficult a climb to stay on it. I am now reconsidering that explanation.
What if the "seeing" of the way is not so difficult? After all during advent we read about making the way straight, flat, easy (you can read my thoughts on this in past posts). What if the narrow part is truly following Jesus, his example. I'm not talking about healing, ruling, making it to heaven. Any one would want to follow those things. But what if the narrow part is the social, political example of Christ's life?
Will I stand for justice?
Will I defend and protect the marginalized?
Will I speak out against power and domination?
Will I eat with "drunkards and sinners"?
Will I invite the prostitute to sit at my table?
I say yes to all of this - I believe all of this. But can I, will I actually live it?
It is obvious this way is narrow. Consider Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Jr. I know there are others that have not become so well known in following this path. Again, this way is narrow. Even as I write this something in my heart aches because I don't know if I can do it.
Do I love God? Yes
Do I identify Christ as the way? Yes
Do I pray? Yes
But, the rest is much more difficult. This is the kind of person I want to be rebuilt as. A kind of $6,000,000 man I guess. I think I will take this slowly. I need the Spirit step by step, inch by inch. Maybe the important part of staying on the narrow way is sight. Looking, seeing, being aware.
I have no answer, no formula. But I do have a desire. Hopefully that will keep me on the path.
