I think one reason I have struggled with writing my thoughts lately is feeling like none of it matters. I feel like I have become a bit of a fatalist; maybe not a bit but a lot. I don't like feeling this way. Last night I got up after shortly going to bed. Couldn't get my mind to settle down to the business of rest. I picked up The Revelations of Julian of Norwich. That book always brings me back to the truth that God really is loving and caring. I guess one of the dilemmas I have had is what to do with prayer. While in Fresno a few weeks ago I got together with a dear woman who is seeking and discovering like me. After spending well over an hour she asked a question. The answer to this (if I had had one) has filled centuries and endless books. She said, "What about prayer?" I just laughed. I laughed because I don't know. I'm not sure how it all works. Should we pray? Yes. How should we pray? Every way possible. Should we expect answers? I don't know. That's the problem. I just don't think God and I or humans in general are on the same page in the dictionary that defines "answer".
But my biggest problem with prayer has been wondering if God even cares. Does what happens in my individual life really matter in the huge plan for the universe? There is a bigger plan than me. BUT....I can't live that way. I have to believe that I do matter to God; even the small decisions of my life. St. Julian helps me remember this. For me God MUST be concerned, involved, actively loving or God is cruel.
God would be cruel if he/she just made us and left us here to fend for ourselves. Life is truly beautiful and wonderful; but it also full of trauma, tragedy and pain. If God is not here for us then there is no Mysterious Lover.
As my head keeps filling with all this information about spirituality I MUST continue to rest in love and wisdom which is outside of myself. Otherwise.......
